Weight Loss, Self Loss

Weight Loss, Self Loss

My entire life, or so it seems, has revolved around weight loss. I can get this when I lose this. Summer is going to be the best because I’m going to be skinny. New school year new me. Well seeing as I’m 26 and still struggling with my weight I would say it’s safe to assume those goals did not get achieved. But something more goes intertwined with weight loss, self confidence, sense of self and your personality.

Being raised with a father who was overweight as a child and still struggling as an adult and a mother who was 90 pounds 5’8 her entire life until she had babies set me up for a weird relationship with food. I know I know don’t blame parents for everything and I’m not trying to but I feel like it adds to my history. I was told by my father that I didn’t have any friends because I was overweight and didn’t I want to fit in with other people? Didn’t I want to be friends with the perfect skinny neighbor kids? Side note, no they kind of sucked and were totally mean so no I didn’t give 2 craps about hanging out with the snobby kids and the ones that I wanted to hang out with I did. I was taken to Weight Watchers with my mother when I was too young to join so I got a doctors note saying I could. This was supposed to teach us about how to have a good relationship with food but it taught me you get rewarded for losing weight and disappointments when you didn’t. I also would buy clothes and try stuff on and my mom would tell me that we had to focus on losing weight because in a few years I was going to want guys to like me and I would care about my body (since at 10 you don’t care about your body?). I remember sitting in the laundry room in 2nd grade with my mom grabbing my fat roll and saying I wish I could just cut this off and be done.

My mother was raised by an anorexic women who never admitted a problem. She would give her family tiny portions and people could get seconds. My mother has a bigger build than most of her family so she would always complain of being hungry and ask for a sandwich after dinner. When my mom was in the midst of struggling with her weight she talked to her mom and her mom advised her to have small snacks throughout the day like a square of a graham cracker. My mom would want to go visit her mom and each time she did her mom would comment on her weight and then next time say well how about you lose 10 pounds and then come out and that can be our little celebration. To this day I don’t think my grandmother can have a family visit without noticing someones weight. But you can’t fault her for that, that’s the disorder.

My relationship with weight and food has always been abnormal.

I found an app that lets you photoshop yourself and I think that’s when I hit rock bottom. Give a fat girl an app that she can “fix” herself and that’s like a kid in a candy store. So i went to town, and the pictures are a shocking difference. Granted photoshop is a little wonky when you’re not trained but it was still shocking.

First: THIGHS: oh dear lord my thighs are like my biggest issue. I made them smaller and then kept revisiting them because they weren’t small enough. Then they got too small and that looked stupid so I fixed that.

Next: ARMS oy the flubber of arms! I have to say my arms were the one thing I kept making smaller looking at them and then thinking not small enough.

Then: STOMACH my stomach isn’t a huge issue to me it needs work but it wasn’t like a trigger

Last: BOOBS I made them perkier and bigger because why not?

This app showed me a few things…..even when I thought my body was perfect in the picture it wasn’t. I needed more, better, skinnier, perkier, BETTER.

I have an issue valuing myself not just physically but entirely. I was taught you are your weight and because you’re fat you’re also ugly and a failure. Just automatically.

Why should you try to play sports? You are fat everyone sees that. So you’re only able to do these few things.

I need to lose weight to lose me.

I don’t want to lose weight I want to lose myself, I want to start new.

Now now let’s just be honest we all know that’s not a thing. Losing weight alone doesn’t make you lose all your problems so going to get lap band surgery tomorrow is only going to make me 100% worse because then I would need the skin grafting surgery the boob lifts probably rhinoplasty because really why not?

SO I’ve recommitted and will recommit as often as needed. To choose me. To be who I needed when I was little. To be that inspiring person that loves life and herself. To stop myself every time I walk in public with my flubby arms and think someone’s looking at me or laughing at me. To be in the moment and to love who I am including my chub but knowing that I am not my chub, I’m not anything I don’t want to be. You can change yourself in an instant and I’m sick of living the stereotype that was thrown in my face and forced to wear around.