Negative Self Worth

Negative Self Worth

It’s very interesting to me that our psyche is so easily manipulated with time.

I’ve realized recently on my cute little adult self journey that the negative self talk I have in my head stems from what a specific person has told me over and over in my life.Some people have questioned why I still talk to that one person and to be honest there was a part in my life where I wanted an apology for what they had done to me, and was obsessed with getting it.

I quickly realized that the person didn’t really have any remorse so me holding out and eating myself up inside with hatred until that person felt remorse really did nothing but fill me with hate.

I realized today in the shower……

…..where I do most of my best thinking…..

…….that while I had forgiven that person I had never stopped the movie reel of negativity they had placed upon me. I simply disassociated it with the person.

Like I don’t think I’m explaining this correctly but this is astonishing to me.

This action gives a little insight to me on why it’s so hard to recover from these relationships.

The negative poison that someone feeds into your brain about yourself is absorbed into your brain and you play it over and over.

Good news is those thoughts are not real.

Those thoughts you have on repeat? Are fake.

Almost like in Captain Marvel when the alien dudes were trying to view Carol’s life and they needed to keep replaying things because they were trying to make sense of it and Carol’s sitting there like, um what the crap is happening right now why am I feeling so much deja vu.

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Sorry that movie was really good please go watch it!

Those thoughts are just a manipulation of false information.

Almost like aliens but normally fed by awful people who suck.

 

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All I’m saying is I had this realization just now, which is dumb but be like kick ass Captain Marvel and break out of that dumb mind control b.s. Do not let people’s negativity tell you who you are or should be.

 

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Meals

Meals

You know what I hate?

Meal Planning

Meal Prepping

Meals

I’m just saying if we could just snack indefinitely I’d be a happy camper.

However I got married and I’ll tell you what, this guy prefers “meals”.

Apparently eating Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner is a thing guys tend to like to do and I’m just telling you I’m not for it.

You know what else I dislike?

Meal “Qualifications”

I lived my adult life 18-26 thinking if I ate something around a specific time of day that was my meal. Apparently No.

My 6’2 husband has specific things in his mind that make a “meal”.

A salad with some cheese and chick  peas, not a meal. Throw some chicken in there, now it becomes a acceptable meal.

Coming from a person who’s ordered chicken Caesar salads her whole life and never eaten the entire thing or touched the chicken this qualification seems silly.

If I had my way I would live off from “snacks”, smoothies and protein shakes however you get married and eventually have kids and everyone expects you to eat like an “adult”.

Also I’m not buying this whole a salad without meat is a snack business!

Disclaimer

I would like to point out that my husband does not make me make him dinner, tell me it’s my rightful place as the person with the uterus in the relationship to belong in the kitchen, or do anything else chauvinistic however we “split” the meal’s during the week (aka he cooks and I pretend) and I’m working on getting better at meal planning and not grubhubbing.

Grubhub I see you and I know that you’re robbing me.

However no I do not want to pick up my own food.

I am LAZY which is why I called you.

Not this week! Not on my night to make dinner! We will eat PB&J’s before I admit defeat!

Okay and honestly I feel like a PB&J is a fine dinner.

Just saying.

All this blog post is meant to do is to stall before I go look at Pinterest perfect meals and try to throw together some type of gluten piece masterpiece plan for this weeks meals.

By starting this process on Friday night I hope to have it completed for our grocery run on Sunday.

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Weight Loss, Self Loss

Weight Loss, Self Loss

My entire life, or so it seems, has revolved around weight loss. I can get this when I lose this. Summer is going to be the best because I’m going to be skinny. New school year new me. Well seeing as I’m 26 and still struggling with my weight I would say it’s safe to assume those goals did not get achieved. But something more goes intertwined with weight loss, self confidence, sense of self and your personality.

Being raised with a father who was overweight as a child and still struggling as an adult and a mother who was 90 pounds 5’8 her entire life until she had babies set me up for a weird relationship with food. I know I know don’t blame parents for everything and I’m not trying to but I feel like it adds to my history. I was told by my father that I didn’t have any friends because I was overweight and didn’t I want to fit in with other people? Didn’t I want to be friends with the perfect skinny neighbor kids? Side note, no they kind of sucked and were totally mean so no I didn’t give 2 craps about hanging out with the snobby kids and the ones that I wanted to hang out with I did. I was taken to Weight Watchers with my mother when I was too young to join so I got a doctors note saying I could. This was supposed to teach us about how to have a good relationship with food but it taught me you get rewarded for losing weight and disappointments when you didn’t. I also would buy clothes and try stuff on and my mom would tell me that we had to focus on losing weight because in a few years I was going to want guys to like me and I would care about my body (since at 10 you don’t care about your body?). I remember sitting in the laundry room in 2nd grade with my mom grabbing my fat roll and saying I wish I could just cut this off and be done.

My mother was raised by an anorexic women who never admitted a problem. She would give her family tiny portions and people could get seconds. My mother has a bigger build than most of her family so she would always complain of being hungry and ask for a sandwich after dinner. When my mom was in the midst of struggling with her weight she talked to her mom and her mom advised her to have small snacks throughout the day like a square of a graham cracker. My mom would want to go visit her mom and each time she did her mom would comment on her weight and then next time say well how about you lose 10 pounds and then come out and that can be our little celebration. To this day I don’t think my grandmother can have a family visit without noticing someones weight. But you can’t fault her for that, that’s the disorder.

My relationship with weight and food has always been abnormal.

I found an app that lets you photoshop yourself and I think that’s when I hit rock bottom. Give a fat girl an app that she can “fix” herself and that’s like a kid in a candy store. So i went to town, and the pictures are a shocking difference. Granted photoshop is a little wonky when you’re not trained but it was still shocking.

First: THIGHS: oh dear lord my thighs are like my biggest issue. I made them smaller and then kept revisiting them because they weren’t small enough. Then they got too small and that looked stupid so I fixed that.

Next: ARMS oy the flubber of arms! I have to say my arms were the one thing I kept making smaller looking at them and then thinking not small enough.

Then: STOMACH my stomach isn’t a huge issue to me it needs work but it wasn’t like a trigger

Last: BOOBS I made them perkier and bigger because why not?

This app showed me a few things…..even when I thought my body was perfect in the picture it wasn’t. I needed more, better, skinnier, perkier, BETTER.

I have an issue valuing myself not just physically but entirely. I was taught you are your weight and because you’re fat you’re also ugly and a failure. Just automatically.

Why should you try to play sports? You are fat everyone sees that. So you’re only able to do these few things.

I need to lose weight to lose me.

I don’t want to lose weight I want to lose myself, I want to start new.

Now now let’s just be honest we all know that’s not a thing. Losing weight alone doesn’t make you lose all your problems so going to get lap band surgery tomorrow is only going to make me 100% worse because then I would need the skin grafting surgery the boob lifts probably rhinoplasty because really why not?

SO I’ve recommitted and will recommit as often as needed. To choose me. To be who I needed when I was little. To be that inspiring person that loves life and herself. To stop myself every time I walk in public with my flubby arms and think someone’s looking at me or laughing at me. To be in the moment and to love who I am including my chub but knowing that I am not my chub, I’m not anything I don’t want to be. You can change yourself in an instant and I’m sick of living the stereotype that was thrown in my face and forced to wear around.

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There’s No Glitter

There’s No Glitter

Growing up I used to have a blog called “There’s No Glitter At The Gym” and to be completely honest I forgot all about it, until now.

Thinking about it though growing up being in high school and college you romanticize everything.

When you’re 4 you romanticize school. When you’re 10 you romanticize being a teenager. When you’re a teenager you romanticize relationships, having a car, going to college, and freedom.

Then you become an adult, get married, pay bills and it’s beyond easy to stop dreaming, romanticize anything, get stuck in the daily tasks of being an adult.

I didn’t realize that this happened until I became an adult.

I remember when I was around 17 talking to my Dad and saying “I can’t imagine how people are depressed, life is amazing there’s so much to do, so much to live for” and he responded “Wait until you’re an adult and you have real struggles and real accountability.”

Granted at that point I thought my Dad was just being a Woe Is Me dramatic sort. But honestly he was kind of right. I know teenagers have problems and to be honest a lot more drama than most adults but one thing they don’t for the most part have is 100% accountability. If you are in high school and you don’t do your homework you may get detention, grounded, yelled at, or all of the above.

But when you’re an adult and you don’t pay your mortgage you have no house. You don’t pay your electric you have no electricity. This could get a little repetitive so let’s just summarize and say being an adult has direct repercussions. You do something wrong as an adult you go to prison.

When you’re married (I know I hate to break it to you but…) your husband doesn’t bring you flowers every day (which to be honest would be dumb because flowers last about a week so you’d have a ton of flowers), your husband isn’t the prince charming you dated, he has dirty underwear, he stinks after the gym, he’s not perfect and to be honest neither are you. Being married means being with someone 24/7 for eternity and for some reason we believe that’s going to come with no fights, perfection, and maybe some singing animals at one point but it doesn’t.

And I know 100% what you’re thinking, “Being an adult is hard we get it stop whining.” My point is having stress as an adult, I think, kills your dreams, ambitions and in the end kills your light if you let it.

So to address my 16 year old self, no there is no glitter unless you make it. Very rarely is life going to shower you with love and kindness each day when you walk out of the house. You have to leave with your attitude great, positivity high, and make the best out of everything the world has to give you.

When we decide to be happy, positive and decide to combat the worlds negativity we tend to be nicer to other people which will then make them feel like maybe this life isn’t that awful as well.

I’ve decided that I’m going to turn over a new leaf and make some changes. I’m going to choose happiness. I’m going to choose to dream cast and thing about the future optimistically and not black and white realistically.

I’m not going to get stuck in the repetition of daily life and I’m going to live each day empowering myself and others to be positive. And I think you all should join me in the journey.

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